Spring Images

One of our founding ideals at Nuu-Muu is our respect for “real friends and real bodies.” I wrote these words, and they live in my heart as something I believe in and aspire to constantly.

The “real friends” part is one of the greatest gifts in my life. The body part…well, that’s always been a bit more complicated.

When Nuu-Muu began, I was a willing (albeit very amateur) model and my husband was our very first (also amateur) photographer. It was fun and it was expected and it was easy. 

It was also 10 years (and 20 pounds) ago. 

Today, as two local models became unavailable for a last-minute photo shoot, I found myself in front of the camera again. Getting ready, I fussed over accessories. I fretted over the fit. I found much to criticize in the reflection staring at me from my daughter’s full-length mirror. I tried various combinations of the outfits scattered over her rosy velvet quilt. I texted an old friend to ask her to tell me that I was acceptable. She obliged.

It’s funny – I trust that none of you would find anything to criticize or guess at my self-consciousness if didn’t put it in front of you in words. You would simply see and enjoy the pictures that worked best (a dozen from 500); the moments when my smile looked most authentic and my head was tilted in a flattering direction and the light was forgiving.  You would, I imagine, find my body healthy and reasonable and JUST FINE. Maybe better than fine. You might even think: she looks happy and comfortable and real. 

I am not sure what it will take to get there. Mostly recovered from the eating disorder of my early 20s, it is unsettling that this disquiet can still show up out of nowhere and plague my heart. I am proud that my 2 daughters, 17 and 13, don’t seem to have a clue about this piece of me, although I do plan to share it with them someday. In this time where women are standing together, claiming their strength, it is embarrassing to have these old ideas show up in my heart and my head.  Why on earth does it seem better if there is less  of me?

I am really good at convincing others of their beauty. The reason, I believe, is that I am profoundly convinced of their beauty. But when will I finally extend that conviction to myself?  Such a good question. 

I propose a bold answer that I aim to live up to:  2018.  Join me if you will.  #LOVE.YOU.MORE. 

With love and patience,

Christine